She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures.She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
This has nothing to do with sofas, but I did happen to get a new “sofa” recently – my “notsofa”. My dad built me a base for a pad that folds out into a queen size guest bed. It is great – I’m more stoked on the base than the pad. But, that’s likely because it was built by my dad. I also love sitting on the floor and have found myself doing more of that in front of the notsofa. Something about being low to the ground makes me feel connected to the earth. Unconstrained. Free.
It’s been a challenging few months – to be honest, few years. I feel myself holding back. I look at photographs of myself and SEE myself holding back, of something in there not willing to shine. Not willing to risk. Not willing to be vulnerable. Not willing to live out loud. Not willing to love loudly. Willing? I AM WILLING, in the face of all that comes up. I WANT TO SHINE! Life is meant to be lived, so I want to live it. So often, so often, so often the same stories cycle in my head. Not good enough. Jealousy. Fear of missing out. Seeking approval. Grasping for relationship. Accepting less than is in line with my values. Not relating to the knowing of my values. Indecision.False refuge. Emotional eating. How many likes on Instagram or Facebook? Not fit enough. Not creative enough. Not smart enough. Not spiritual enough. Not developed enough as a human being. Not BLAH BLAH BLAH. Fuck the noise. Get still. Get quiet. Life is not about seeking, doing, striving, pushing for, forcing, inhibitions – who is telling me all these stories? Me. My inner roommate. I DON’T WANT A ROOMMATE. My cat is roommate enough, thank you very much. How do I set boundaries with this inner roommate? How would I set boundaries with an outer roommate? Boundaries are something I’m not too experienced in setting – but dang they are so important! I return to center through meditation, through getting still. I know my innate space of love, that my heart in inherently love. I know my heart wants to open. I know my heart wants to let love in and out. I know that I am nothing and I am everything. I know each breath is all we have. This moment is what we have. This is now. This is what life is. How we live our moments is how we live our lives. What we practice, we strengthen. Practice stillness. Practice love. Practice compassion and kindness. We are all in this together. We are all here in this moment together. I love humans and I love being human, but sometimes it all feels incredibly heavy. What is in this backpack I’m carrying? Why am I carrying it? Can I set it down? Sometimes I’m afraid that if I set it down, I’ll become uncaring, that life won’t have purpose. Huh? That is not true. Because I give a shit. Life doesn’t have to be hard or heavy. Yes, hard and heavy things will come up. That’s life. But we can find peace, ease, stillness, calm. We can find our true nature through any circumstance or situation. How about a commitment to finding joy, to feeling joy, to spreading joy. Joy. Love. Lightness. Laughter. Commit to silence. Commit to love. Commit to self care. Commit to unshakable belief in yourself, in the capacity of all human beings, in our innate wisdom and strength. Commit to what makes your heart leap, to what makes your soul feel alive, to what brings goodness.
Keep sitting. Keep finding stillness. Every. Single. Day. Come back to your breath. Listen to the sounds around you. Notice something beautiful within your line of sight. Say something nice to someone. Notice the feeling of your feet right now. Maybe your hands. Hold your heart with reverence – you are a gift. Life is a gift. This moment is a gift.
Love Loudly, Hollye. Love Loudly, World. You Are Beautiful.
“I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. I want to be light and frolicsome. I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings.”
Welp, it’s been awhile! I have been doing a lot of introspection lately, and inner healing/work. It has been both joyful and terrifying! I thought I might start posting some musings, quips, insights, or silly things that come into my mind and/or world.
I went to New Mexico with Rachel last weekend. It was relaxing, inspiring and soul warming. Her Uncle Louis is a charming fellow: a talented ceramic artist and teacher, a kind soul and an excellent host. He is generous, creative, down to earth and the sparkle in his eye hinted to a note of delightful mischief. Rachel and I met up with Annie and Shing and visited Meow Wolf, which was a delightful treat for the eyes, ears and psyche! It was really refreshing and inspiring to be around extremely creative and artistic friends. I realized how I miss that kind of community and wonder how I can cultivate that in Eugene? I miss making art and being whimsical and living out loud! We ate great food (green chiles anyone!?), visited Santa Fe and overall just enjoyed being there in the desert. And… sunshine! Here is a photo from Tent Rocks, and a musing from the trip. And some dog kisses!!
ll the “happiness”, creativity, meaning, inspiration, purpose is already within you. We seek it without, in other things, people, places, jobs, paths. It’s right here. It’s right where you stand, sit , lie. Stand, sit or lie in your own power. Know your inner landscape is rich with love, openness, creativity, color, compassion, wholeness. From this wholeness comes a wholehearted life. Go inward so you can live outward with your whole fucking heart. Love Loudly. You Are Beautiful. – HH, 4/8/17
I was on a train from somewhere north to somewhere south and I saw some graffiti on the side of a building that said “Love Loudly”. It stuck with me, so I got it tattooed on my right forearm. Then came a tattoo on my left forearm, “You Are Beautiful”.
I love humanity and think that we are and can be beautiful. I believe that I am love. I believe that you are love. I believe that we are made of love.
For me, today, loving loudly means living out loud with my true, authentic self. It means living so that my thoughts, words and actions are in accordance. It means embracing my flaws, my failures, my joy and my successes. It means accepting myself exactly as I am today, cultivating compassion for myself, and with that strength and acceptance, loving you exactly as you are today. Because you are beautiful, exactly as you are.
Loving loudly doesn’t always mean shouting ones love from the rooftops (though it could). Loving loudly can be quiet, but powerful. And loving loudly can be loud, but subtle.
Give yourself permission to take time for doing things that bring you joy. Too often I find myself caught up in the “should’s” and “to-do’s”, leaving me overwhelmed, anxious and feeling like what I do and who I am are not enough. When I take time to pause, go a bit easier on myself and pursue joy, I feel centered, peaceful and ultimately more present with myself and the creatures around me. What can you give yourself permission for?