It’s been a challenging few months – to be honest, few years. I feel myself holding back. I look at photographs of myself and SEE myself holding back, of something in there not willing to shine. Not willing to risk. Not willing to be vulnerable. Not willing to live out loud. Not willing to love loudly. Willing? I AM WILLING, in the face of all that comes up. I WANT TO SHINE! Life is meant to be lived, so I want to live it. So often, so often, so often the same stories cycle in my head. Not good enough. Jealousy. Fear of missing out. Seeking approval. Grasping for relationship. Accepting less than is in line with my values. Not relating to the knowing of my values. Indecision.False refuge. Emotional eating. How many likes on Instagram or Facebook? Not fit enough. Not creative enough. Not smart enough. Not spiritual enough. Not developed enough as a human being. Not BLAH BLAH BLAH. Fuck the noise. Get still. Get quiet. Life is not about seeking, doing, striving, pushing for, forcing, inhibitions – who is telling me all these stories? Me. My inner roommate. I DON’T WANT A ROOMMATE. My cat is roommate enough, thank you very much. How do I set boundaries with this inner roommate? How would I set boundaries with an outer roommate? Boundaries are something I’m not too experienced in setting – but dang they are so important! I return to center through meditation, through getting still. I know my innate space of love, that my heart in inherently love. I know my heart wants to open. I know my heart wants to let love in and out. I know that I am nothing and I am everything. I know each breath is all we have. This moment is what we have. This is now. This is what life is. How we live our moments is how we live our lives. What we practice, we strengthen. Practice stillness. Practice love. Practice compassion and kindness. We are all in this together. We are all here in this moment together. I love humans and I love being human, but sometimes it all feels incredibly heavy. What is in this backpack I’m carrying? Why am I carrying it? Can I set it down? Sometimes I’m afraid that if I set it down, I’ll become uncaring, that life won’t have purpose. Huh? That is not true. Because I give a shit. Life doesn’t have to be hard or heavy. Yes, hard and heavy things will come up. That’s life. But we can find peace, ease, stillness, calm. We can find our true nature through any circumstance or situation. How about a commitment to finding joy, to feeling joy, to spreading joy. Joy. Love. Lightness. Laughter. Commit to silence. Commit to love. Commit to self care. Commit to unshakable belief in yourself, in the capacity of all human beings, in our innate wisdom and strength. Commit to what makes your heart leap, to what makes your soul feel alive, to what brings goodness.
Keep sitting. Keep finding stillness. Every. Single. Day. Come back to your breath. Listen to the sounds around you. Notice something beautiful within your line of sight. Say something nice to someone. Notice the feeling of your feet right now. Maybe your hands. Hold your heart with reverence – you are a gift. Life is a gift. This moment is a gift.
Love Loudly, Hollye. Love Loudly, World. You Are Beautiful.
“I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.”
– Mary Oliver